I have been an extremely lucky human being. I have been married to the love of my life for more than thirty years. Most people never have that once in their lifetimes. I was lucky enough to have it twice.
My first love, the love of my life while we were together, my first husband, was Paul. We met when I was fourteen and we married when I was eighteen. For so many reasons, not the least of which my age, at twenty-one, I left a note for Paul, got on a plane, and moved to California, a place I had never known or been to. I broke his heart and mine as well. You see, we loved each other very much. But sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing you can do for them is let them go.
Through the years after our divorce, Paul and I remained friends, even after broken hearts. There were years when we would lose contact, but we always found our way back to support each other and wish each other well. He did things for me and supported me in ways ex-husbands simply do not. He has always had a special place in my heart and always will.
I found out today that Paul has died of leukemia. I am devastated and numb. I have always wished Paul a happy and long, healthy life. I always took for granted that would be the case.
Tonight, I know Paul is at peace and without pain, watching down on his loved ones with his wonderful Mother and Father. I am numb - it is so hard to imagine him gone from this world. I know the tears will stop, but for now... they flow.
............................................................................................................
8/14/2018
Through the years since his death, Paul has entered my thoughts from time to time and there have been the occasional little reminders of our years together. One that often come to mind is the number 143 which was a code between us in our teenage years. I was so young and not allowed to see Paul for so long. So we had codes between us. 143 symbolized 1 - I; 4 - love; 3 - you. We would leave our codes places for each other to find (I would find 143 on a dusty windshield in the school parking lot or scratched into a piece of cardboard in a book), or we would use it when writing notes to each other (without today's ways of communicating, we wrote notes and letters to each other). If we were in mixed company, we would say, "1-4-3," or "sign" it to each other, it was our little inside secret because I was under-aged. As endearing as it seems now, it was done out of what we thought was necessity because of the trouble Paul could have faced if we had been found out. As soon as we could drop the pretense, we relished in using the words we couldn't to each other and ceased using "the code." Today, whenever I see the number sequence 143, I think, "I love you," in a general way, but it often makes me smile to think of the secret language Paul and I once shared when we were so young.
August 12, 2018 would have been Paul's and my 45th wedding anniversary if we had stayed together. I happened to look down at my phone that day and saw the time displayed: 1:43. I don't know why, but I took a screenshot of it, I suppose because it struck me to see 143 on what would have been our anniversary. I didn't think much of it at the time, but later when I was looking back on the screenshot I noticed something else. It showed our anniversary date, Aug 12, and the time, 1:43, and the day of the week, Sunday, the day of the week we got married. Then I noticed the battery charge percentage was 61%. Paul was 61 when he passed. Coincidence? Certainly. But, it brought a smile.
............................................................................................................
8/14/2018
Through the years since his death, Paul has entered my thoughts from time to time and there have been the occasional little reminders of our years together. One that often come to mind is the number 143 which was a code between us in our teenage years. I was so young and not allowed to see Paul for so long. So we had codes between us. 143 symbolized 1 - I; 4 - love; 3 - you. We would leave our codes places for each other to find (I would find 143 on a dusty windshield in the school parking lot or scratched into a piece of cardboard in a book), or we would use it when writing notes to each other (without today's ways of communicating, we wrote notes and letters to each other). If we were in mixed company, we would say, "1-4-3," or "sign" it to each other, it was our little inside secret because I was under-aged. As endearing as it seems now, it was done out of what we thought was necessity because of the trouble Paul could have faced if we had been found out. As soon as we could drop the pretense, we relished in using the words we couldn't to each other and ceased using "the code." Today, whenever I see the number sequence 143, I think, "I love you," in a general way, but it often makes me smile to think of the secret language Paul and I once shared when we were so young.
August 12, 2018 would have been Paul's and my 45th wedding anniversary if we had stayed together. I happened to look down at my phone that day and saw the time displayed: 1:43. I don't know why, but I took a screenshot of it, I suppose because it struck me to see 143 on what would have been our anniversary. I didn't think much of it at the time, but later when I was looking back on the screenshot I noticed something else. It showed our anniversary date, Aug 12, and the time, 1:43, and the day of the week, Sunday, the day of the week we got married. Then I noticed the battery charge percentage was 61%. Paul was 61 when he passed. Coincidence? Certainly. But, it brought a smile.
No comments:
New comments are not allowed.