Living Angels

There are living angels among us.  They do not show their wings and could not be picked out of a crowd.  But they are indeed living angels.

Living angels never hesitate to help others.  Living angels have unconditional love and compassion for others in this world.  Living angels are caring, thoughtful, kind beings.  Living angels do whatever they can for others without any expectations.

I never knew there were living angels in this world.  I knew this world could be cold and that people could be cruel and unkind.  

When our world fell apart, living angels began appearing from so many places with kindness, love, compassion, support, and help.  Maybe we needed to go through this very difficult time to learn about the living angels in this world.  They leave us feeling humbled, grateful, and so blessed in the middle of our turmoil.

There are those who are there to offer a hand in friendship and love.  They are a gift from God.  Thank you living angels for coming into our lives and touching our hearts.  

Paul

I have been an extremely lucky human being.  I have been married to the love of my life for more than thirty years.  Most people never have that once in their lifetimes.  I was lucky enough to have it twice.

My first love, the love of my life while we were together, my first husband, was Paul.  We met when I was fourteen and we married when I was eighteen.  For so many reasons, not the least of which my age, at twenty-one, I left a note for Paul, got on a plane, and moved to California, a place I had never known or been to.  I broke his heart and mine as well.  You see, we loved each other very much.  But sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing you can do for them is let them go.

Through the years after our divorce, Paul and I remained friends, even after broken hearts.  There were years when we would lose contact, but we always found our way back to support each other and wish each other well.  He did things for me and supported me in ways ex-husbands simply do not.  He has always had a special place in my heart and always will.

I found out today that Paul has died of leukemia.  I am devastated and numb.  I have always wished Paul a happy and long, healthy life.  I always took for granted that would be the case.

Tonight, I know Paul is at peace and without pain, watching down on his loved ones with his wonderful Mother and Father.  I am numb - it is so hard to imagine him gone from this world.  I know the tears will stop, but for now...  they flow.

............................................................................................................

8/14/2018

Through the years since his death, Paul has entered my thoughts from time to time and there have been the occasional little reminders of our years together.  One that often come to mind is the number 143 which was a code between us in our teenage years.  I was so young and not allowed to see Paul for so long.  So we had codes between us.  143 symbolized 1 - I; 4 - love; 3 - you.  We would leave our codes places for each other to find (I would find 143 on a dusty windshield in the school parking lot or scratched into a piece of cardboard in a book), or we would use it when writing notes to each other (without today's ways of communicating, we wrote notes and letters to each other).  If we were in mixed company, we would say, "1-4-3," or "sign" it to each other, it was our little inside secret because I was under-aged.  As endearing as it seems now, it was done out of what we thought was necessity because of the trouble Paul could have faced if we had been found out.  As soon as we could drop the pretense, we relished in using the words we couldn't to each other and ceased using "the code."  Today, whenever I see the number sequence 143, I think, "I love you," in a general way, but it often makes me smile to think of the secret language Paul and I once shared when we were so young.

August 12, 2018 would have been Paul's and my 45th wedding anniversary if we had stayed together.  I happened to look down at my phone that day and saw the time displayed: 1:43.  I don't know why, but I took a screenshot of it, I suppose because it struck me to see 143 on what would have been our anniversary.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but later when I was looking back on the screenshot I noticed something else.  It showed our anniversary date, Aug 12, and the time, 1:43, and the day of the week, Sunday, the day of the week we got married.  Then I noticed the battery charge percentage was 61%.  Paul was 61 when he passed.   Coincidence?  Certainly.  But, it brought a smile.

Twins

Last Summer I posted on Facebook that I was going to become a Grandmother for the first time.  I never posted anything further.  I couldn't.

My daughter and son-in-law have been married for twelve years and were vacationing in Hawaii with our son-in-law's family at the time my daughter took the first pregnancy test.  After they got back home she had a blood test taken, was examination by her doctor to verify the pregnancy, and had her first ultrasound scheduled.  They had been trying to conceive for years.  

On September 14th, although too soon to tell gender, the two came home from the doctor's office ecstatic, with an ultrasound picture of the baby.  After scanning it for her, my daughter posted the picture and the wonderful news on her Facebook page to share with family and friends who hadn't yet heard.  We all found ourselves looking at baby things for the first time and couldn't resist a little stuffed animal or adorable bib.  We were all so excited! There were even names picked out.

A couple of weeks later, Mom and Dad-to-be went off to their second ultrasound where the doctor told them they would be able to see the baby's heartbeat for the first time.  They were so excited!  Instead, the doctor performed his examination and found no heartbeat, the baby had died.  Worse, she had to wait several days before they could schedule the procedure to remove the baby from her womb because she did not miscarry per se.

As you can well imagine, it was an extremely difficult time for our family, but certainly most difficult for my daughter and son-in-law.  They were heartbroken and devastated as we all were.

The holidays quietly passed with a hole in them.  Hope and joy were very hard to keep sight of.  Eventually, the household returned to a regular routine and the hopes and dreams for this precious life we would never know and the sadness of it began slowly to fade.

In early-January, our daughter called us into her room to show us a home pregnancy test result - Positive.  What a flood of emotions!  Joy, fear, anticipation, and shock flowed through all of us.  They scheduled the soonest appointment they could with her doctor in mid-January.

Then, a couple of weeks later, she and her husband came rushing out of their room one evening, throwing their coats on. She was bleeding and was sure she lost the baby.  They spent the night in the emergency room while the bleeding subsided and stopped, having tests run.  The conclusion was that the resident doctor did not have the equipment or expertise to definitively say the baby was gone and she needed to see her regular doctor.

The next day they visited their regular doctor.  Although it was too soon for an ultrasound and he could not pinpoint the exact cause of the bleeding the night before, he did confirm that our daughter was carrying three live fetuses.  He explained to them that it was very early and that they might not all survive.  Triplets!

On January 25th, she and her husband went to the doctor for her first ultrasound.  One of the babies did not make it but she is now carrying twins.  They got to see them on the ultrasound and got to see their heartbeats on the monitor screen.  The doctor assured them that the babies looked like they were developing normally and both had good heartbeats.

Four days later she began spotting and was taken to the emergency room again.  Because of her high-risk pregnancy, they performed an ultrasound to check the babies.  Both babies had stronger heartbeats than they did four days prior and by all indications are developing normally.  The doctor assured her that spotting can be normal when carrying multiple babies although they are not sure why.

The next ultrasound is scheduled for February 22nd.  As anxious as we all are to hear how the babies are developing, we are at the same time nervous and cautious in our anticipation.  My daughter has had terrible nightmares about seeing the doctor and hearing terrible news.  We all try to comfort and assure her as much as we can.

In the meantime, morning sickness is a regular routine and for now we are taking one craving at a time - rice with soy sauce and a yogurt chaser, chinese pot stickers and Fettucini Alfredo?  The other night our son-in-law, half asleep in the kitchen, was making an English muffin with raspberry jam for our little Mama.  

It is no doubt going to be a roller coaster ride until the twins' September 14th due date.  In the meantime, we are all doing everything we can to help ensure the stork delivers two beautifully healthy babies. We are cautiously optimistic but for now will take it one day at a time.  Life is so fragile... and so precious.